so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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