haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
