Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Randomize
