Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
