You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
