My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize