there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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