Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize