remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
