shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
FUCK WHALES
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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