My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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