yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
