im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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