Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
