Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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