Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
