onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
