Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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