Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
