I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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