sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize