I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
