he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
