I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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