She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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