girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
