Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
