i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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