exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there was a trapeze. enough said
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
