Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
