I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
