I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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