Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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