cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
