You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
