he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
