I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
