Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
