I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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