he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
