and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
