I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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