All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
