You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize