they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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