i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
