I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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