Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
