Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
