Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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