I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
