I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
