i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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