I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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