So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
