Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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