Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
