He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
