Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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