Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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