last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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