Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
