I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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