Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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