Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
