Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize