It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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