I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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